This must be fate. I know that we haven’t met — due partly to fate’s merciless cruelty and partly to your own foolish anonymity — but I feel as though we are destined to be together. You see, I too found a letter while walking through the rain. It was laminated so I could still read it perfectly; and as I read it, my bosom was filled with a passion the likes of which I have never experienced. But before I go any further, I think you should read the letter, so as to better understand my heart’s disquietude:
“To my sometime secret lover: I have quickly come to realize that you are exactly What I’ve Been Looking For. These few short months with you have been The Start of Something New, the start of something genuine and Fabulous. For years, people have tried to get me to Stick to the Status Quo, but whenever I’m with you, I feel like I’m Breaking Free, like I can Bop to the Top of the world and live forever, contentedly basking in the glow of your post-orgasmic face. You Are the Music In Me, a resplendently melodious tune that plays through my head every hour of Everyday. But lately, you haven’t been acting like yourself. I don’t mean to be rude, but you really need to Get’cha Head in the Game — the game of love, that is. If not, then I Gotta Go My Own Way. But I don’t want to be on my own, not now that I’ve found someone as wonderful as you; I would give up everything, All for One more night with you. I have considered that your behavior as of late may be my own doing; I know I Don’t Dance very well, but I’m almost positive I can Work This Out if I try hard enough. When There Was Me and You, my whole world was filled with a delightful music, almost as if my life were like High School Musical. Do you remember when we watched that movie together, nestled in the comfort of your roommate’s mysteriously stained futon? Do you remember the passion with which we danced to We’re All In This Together? I do, and I will never forget it. You can Bet On It. What Time Is It? I have to go to class, but I will be thinking of you, my sultry temptress. —Your Wildcat”
Now do you understand what has been eating away at my heart for the past week? I long for someone with whom I can share a love like this, a wildcat of my own, the Calypso to my Davy Jones. I know it has taken me far too long to respond to your message, but it’s only because I wanted to make sure you understood the ferocity of my affliction. Every night since I first read your note, I’ve lain awake, torturing myself with questions of who you might be — is it possible that I’ve seen you, talked to you, without knowing that our hearts beat for one another? Sometimes I scream out in the middle of the night, “¿HAY ROMANCE?” But sadly, there is no romance in my life, a fact that I have to remind myself of every day that I wake up alone on my Tempurpedic mattress pad. Hopefully this post will change that, though, and today can be the beginning of a new, more joyous life for the both of us. What a spectacular one-thousandth post that would be! So I beg you to reveal yourself, so that I might arrive at a very special place — spiritually, ecumenically, grammatically. Reveal yourself to me so that I might bestow upon you my ever increasing admiration, in addition to quenching my lascivious appetite. OH GOD PLEASE!