To Know Himself
February 2011
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"Dear John (I know it's not your true name; the devastating glory of those sacred syllables is more than my mortal fingers can bear to type): You are Mine, and so I must Speak Now. I Mean to remind you of The Story of Us, from that Enchanted moment of our Innocent first encounter to the Haunted, bittersweet Last Kiss we shared. I mean to take you Back to December, that month so many years ago, those idyllic, virginal days when we thought we would Never Grow Up. They say that there is nothing Better Than Revenge, but I must disagree: I must proclaim love as far better than such petty vindictiveness. Sparks Fly when thoughts of our embraces invade the dark recesses of my smoldering heart...Long Live the union that we once shared. I wish you every happiness... -- Your Forever"
I found this on the sidewalk when I was walking in the rain the other day. You know how much I love to walk in the rain, because that way no one can tell that I'm crying. Anyways, so I found this letter and it reminded me of the love I imagine between us. The love that I imagine every dark moment of my tragic existence. Every night I writhe in bleary-eyed agony, aching for your presence to lull me to dreamless sleep. I find myself trying without end to choke back soft, soft sobs and fill my mind instead with visions of the mistress of Satan snacking on children while they dream. BUT TO NO AVAIL. You are special. I am allergic to the full spectrum of human emotion, save one. I speak of the burning, pulsing, throbbing love you kindle within me. Or...
Or is it lust? My soul flames for you, but so too do my loins. They flame with such white-hot erotic heat as would sublime each and every glacier in Sitka. I can think of but one way to unveil the heart of this tempest of feeling, to perceive the quintessence of my emotions: come hither, unnatural cub.
DASS GOO’ BOYYY
This must be fate. I know that we haven’t met — due partly to fate’s merciless cruelty and partly to your own foolish anonymity — but I feel as though we are destined to be together. You see, I too found a letter while walking through the rain. It was laminated so I could still read it perfectly; and as I read it, my bosom was filled with a passion the likes of which I have never experienced. But before I go any further, I think you should read the letter, so as to better understand my heart’s disquietude:
“To my sometime secret lover: I have quickly come to realize that you are exactly What I’ve Been Looking For. These few short months with you have been The Start of Something New, the start of something genuine and Fabulous. For years, people have tried to get me to Stick to the Status Quo, but whenever I’m with you, I feel like I’m Breaking Free, like I can Bop to the Top of the world and live forever, contentedly basking in the glow of your post-orgasmic face. You Are the Music In Me, a resplendently melodious tune that plays through my head every hour of Everyday. But lately, you haven’t been acting like yourself. I don’t mean to be rude, but you really need to Get’cha Head in the Game — the game of love, that is. If not, then I Gotta Go My Own Way. But I don’t want to be on my own, not now that I’ve found someone as wonderful as you; I would give up everything, All for One more night with you. I have considered that your behavior as of late may be my own doing; I know I Don’t Dance very well, but I’m almost positive I can Work This Out if I try hard enough. When There Was Me and You, my whole world was filled with a delightful music, almost as if my life were like High School Musical. Do you remember when we watched that movie together, nestled in the comfort of your roommate’s mysteriously stained futon? Do you remember the passion with which we danced to We’re All In This Together? I do, and I will never forget it. You can Bet On It. What Time Is It? I have to go to class, but I will be thinking of you, my sultry temptress. —Your Wildcat”
Now do you understand what has been eating away at my heart for the past week? I long for someone with whom I can share a love like this, a wildcat of my own, the Calypso to my Davy Jones. I know it has taken me far too long to respond to your message, but it’s only because I wanted to make sure you understood the ferocity of my affliction. Every night since I first read your note, I’ve lain awake, torturing myself with questions of who you might be — is it possible that I’ve seen you, talked to you, without knowing that our hearts beat for one another? Sometimes I scream out in the middle of the night, “¿HAY ROMANCE?” But sadly, there is no romance in my life, a fact that I have to remind myself of every day that I wake up alone on my Tempurpedic mattress pad. Hopefully this post will change that, though, and today can be the beginning of a new, more joyous life for the both of us. What a spectacular one-thousandth post that would be! So I beg you to reveal yourself, so that I might arrive at a very special place — spiritually, ecumenically, grammatically. Reveal yourself to me so that I might bestow upon you my ever increasing admiration, in addition to quenching my lascivious appetite. OH GOD PLEASE!
